Living Awake

Word.

Fri, 22 Mar 2013 10:45:51 -0400

Word.

When I turn the heat in my house on too high

Tue, 04 Dec 2012 17:08:13 -0500

whatshoulducallme:

"Nothing Human can penetrate the Future"

Mon, 30 Jul 2012 01:21:25 -0400

“Nothing Human can penetrate the Future”

- Jocasta, Sophocles - “Oedipus the King”

I am Gatsby, sort of.

Mon, 30 Jul 2012 01:19:40 -0400

Most nights I lie awake, staring at the white popcorn ceiling, silence screaming through my head as my thoughts race. The only lights comes from the occasional car that drives by. Comfort is non-existent here as the cotton sheets feel hot and itchy. the air is thick with confusion, sadness, and apprehension as my stomach churns in knots of weary wondering, lost in a world of suffocation by thought.

I search for the green light, like Jay Gatsby. I reach out longingly for it symbolically as he did within the pages of the epic tale.

What is my green light? I will tell you once I know. For i know not what I want, nor what I need.

For now, I lay here in bed, suffocated by the endless thoughts circling my head, and deafened by the sultry, sweltering silence pressing in on me.

I search for the green light, though I know not what it entails.

"A girl should be two things: who and what she wants."

Wed, 25 Jul 2012 21:33:50 -0400

“A girl should be two things: who and what she wants.”

- Coco Chanel (via mojojojo323)

Just bought Bleu de Chanel. Smells AMAZING! I smell damn good...

Wed, 25 Jul 2012 21:33:31 -0400

Just bought Bleu de Chanel. Smells AMAZING! I smell damn good now. I won’t be able to keep the boys off of me! ;-)

This made my day. What a laugh

Wed, 25 Jul 2012 19:57:05 -0400

This made my day. What a laugh

If you are following the trail to EQUALITY, Read This.

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 22:59:08 -0500

If you are following the trail to EQUALITY, Read This.:

theclosetedboy:

As people of this world, we are all too rushed… We are on a schedule, and goodness we HAVE to meet this schedule… I still feel like 10 minutes take up nearly all the time in the world… I mean seriously having to wait 10 minutes for something, that could completely throw off the schedule, but…

tsami: pathwalker: Four for you, Anne Hathaway. You go Anne...

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 22:36:39 -0500

tsami:

pathwalker:

Four for you, Anne Hathaway. You go Anne Hathaway.

:)

behindmyhazeleyes13: Quit your complaining!

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 22:33:05 -0500

behindmyhazeleyes13:

Quit your complaining!

Photo

Sun, 26 Feb 2012 16:11:06 -0500

Church - Why I hate is SO VERY MUCH

Mon, 20 Feb 2012 01:14:25 -0500

I never thought that Sunday Mornings would be the least favorite part of my week. Going to church ruins my weekend week after week. Maybe it’s because I am so sick of being told that I am broken and need to be fixed and the ONLY way that can happen is if I am “reborn” into faith and life with Jesus Christ.

I AM NOT BROKEN. I AM NOT A PILE OF JUNK. I AM NOT A BAD PERSON. I AM NOT A WRETCHED BEING DOOMED TO WALK THE EARTH IN A SLEEP OF DEATH.

I am a person, born out of imperfection. BEAUTY! Why can’t religion and organized institutions like such celebrate that? I know the church I am drug to every week doesn’t. I am gay. Only the youth pastor at my church knows, besides my parents and my siblings. And this pastor told me that being gay is a sin just like any other, like alcoholism, or possessing a bad temper. COMPLETE AND UTTER BULLSHIT IS WHAT I THINK. I was born this way. and I do not think that ANY God would do this to make me havea test and a “cross to bear” in my life to make me come closer to him or some kind of whack shit. Why would a God make me Gay, and then preach that being gay is an abomination and no homosexual will inherit the kingdom of his reign?

For those of you struggling with this same issue, You are perfect, just the way you are now. Do not let ANY group, organization, or institution tell you that you are wrong or that any part of you is wrong. Live your life with LOVE and COMPASSION and be yourself. Be the love that God has created and given, instead of trying to change you, accept the you that you are. Celebrate YOU. LIVE FREE!

Here, here Mark.

Mon, 20 Feb 2012 01:05:56 -0500

Here, here Mark.

JC Penny Sephora Worker

Mon, 20 Feb 2012 00:52:54 -0500

Today, I had a big gay moment when I went into the beauty department at JC Penny. I went in to see if they carried Chanel Fragrances for men…sadly, no. They did not. So, then walks over this really cute and obviously gay make-up artist at the Sephora area and asks in a sweet and oh-so-cute voice,

“what can I help you with today?”

In my mind I was thinking ‘umm…you could push me up against the mascara aisle right here and make out with me…’…but I just answered politely,

“I was just looking to see if you carried Bleu de Chanel eau de toilette, but, you don’t and I am kind of very sad.”

To which he responds, WITH a puppy dog pout mind you,

“oh…no. Sorry. I WISH we had that. I love that fragrance. You just hit a soft spot with me, I would love to have Chanel.”

Thus is my story, lame or not. I thought it was Tumblr-post worthy. Post or submit to me with your BIG GAY MOMENTS!

"Live in the Sunshine, swim the Sea, drink the Wild Air."

Mon, 20 Feb 2012 00:35:00 -0500

“Live in the Sunshine, swim the Sea, drink the Wild Air.”

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Part II ~ My Life...my gayness

Mon, 20 Feb 2012 00:32:09 -0500

I know it has been awhile since I have posted anything, so I thought it was time for another portion of my life.

After I went to school things changed. Public school is hell, like many of you know, it’s a jungle of spongebob backpacks, light-up shoes, ticonderoga pencils, and first grade spelling tests. Except, beyond the shallow surface depth of the academia that seems to consume the vast populous of the public educational institution, there was a much bigger, more threatening, and much more painful inevitable truth and obstacle that I was going to have to endure and overcome and it was nothing in comparison with George Bush’s standardized tests…no pun intended except the one that makes fun of the Bush Administration’s “No child left-behind”…

There was the air, the unbearable and inherent ignorance of my other juvenile peers. An ignorance and somewhat apparent fear that repelled and scattered from difference. An intangible feeling that consumed me and ostracized me from my other school mates. the only thing that helped me through these times of doubt and of feeling as I was, an outsider, was my natural accel in school. I was “the smart kid”, “the geek”, and, my personal favorite that I still laugh about to this day, “the teacher’s pet”…little did they know it was just easier for me to relate and warm-up to my female educators rather than the men…go figure.

So anyways, to add to this already fierce jungle of kool-aid stained upper lip punks, I did dance. I was the only boy in my town to dance on a competition line, and I did so with 8 other girls. I endured so much shit and cruel treatment from people. I learned at an all too young age the meaning of the words “faggot”, and “queer” and “gay”, “femme”. I was called a girl. I was never allowed to play football with the guys…not that they would have wanted me anyway…I always somehow ended up with the ball planted right in my face, although never was able to figure out if this was intentional.

Elementary school…oh the horror, right? I was a bad 6 years…but then, there was the whole shanannigan called Middle School. Boy was that hell. By then I had ditched the dancing in an attempt to somewhat conform. BUT, by then I had developed the lovely habit of stress eating and was carrying around an extra 40 to 50 pounds as a 14 year old. Needless to say, I wore corduroys everyday of 8th grade and dressed in mainly brown and blue…yes, I was not only a big turd, but I dressed like a big brown gay turd as well…It is something that I not look back on and laugh about.

It wasn’t until 8th grade then, already after 6th and 7th grade, two very awful years that only got worse as now, kids didn’t only call me faggot to my face, but were now discovering the all-american pubescent past time called gossip. And hey, don’t get me wrong, I can gossip with the best of them, I am a 19 year old gay diva boy, BUT, this was not your typical, “she totally should NOT have worn that skirt today cuz her ass is sticking out” kinda thing. This gossip was the whole “I can’t believe that kid. He is such a fucking faggot, he is such a girl and is totally gay.”

It was then, in 8th grade, that the fog of puberty began to fade and I was standing on the coast of a shore where I was going to have to choose. Explore the depths of a vast ocean of confusion called life and growing-up, or I had the choice many before me had chosen which entailed staying on the warm sand, in comfort and familiarity, only to stay stagnant in life and never grow.

I chose to plunge in the cool water, letting the tides and currents carry me to my unknown mysterious destiny.

I knew then, as I took the plunge, that I was different. I was not only smart, I not only had an uncanny ability to relate and make friends with my opposite gender, I was not only abnormally creative and “artsy”, but I began to find that something happened to me when I saw a boy that was rather attractive…I was attracted to them…I was finding out then, as an old middle schooler of 15…

….I was gay…OH. SHIT…but I mean, I didn’t know that was what it was at the time. I just thought that I had a problem.

But no matter what the problem was…I now had the obligation to hide this part of me, to ensure my survival in the cruel world and realm of public education and, of course, home.

My Life...my gayness.

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 21:47:35 -0500

So…since I have been a little at a loss for cool things to post, I thought I would share with all of my followers my coming out story. For those who know what it’s like to be deep inside the closet, you will know that it is not an easy thing to overcome; stepping into the light can be like learning to walk and talk all over again, this time embracing wholly the person you were created to be, the person you always have been but have not seen as an integral part of who you are.

I know it’s kinda cliche to say it, but, I kinda always knew I was different. From a very young age I remember never really caring about sports…I spent an entire summer in T-Ball, never paying attention to what was going on in the in-field, but finding it very fascinating to stare at the jet planes soaring overhead while chewing on my tan baseball mit. I played barbies with my sister, found it loads of fun to dress up with her in old tutus and make up new tap routines on our front porch, and of course there was the infamous pastime of improvising the game “house”. I directed many outdoor drama productions, complete with love stories, mystical enactments with leprechauns, and multitudes of magic potions made with leaves, berries, and water my sister and I would siphon from the garden hose we were distinctly told not to turn on for it cost far too much to have the hose running all summer long…I mean…all we wanted was a pot full of water for the afternoon…sue me.

After the childhood years where I then would cross dress and paint my nails, even venturing to the local hardware store a few times with my father sporting a floral print gown, I didn’t see anything wrong with what I did, how I dressed, or what color my fingernails happened to be that day. I was happy. I was innocent. And above all, I was true to myself.

Then came the “fun” and “exciting” years of elementary school, where I endured countless tauntings and teasings. I didn’t know why. I was just being me? Since when did public school become the grounds to pick at every aspect of anybody’s life?…oh yea, that would be right at the time public school was invented. My bad. Lol. But then when I got to like, fourth and fifth grade, I started to begin to hear in famous buzz words…”gay” and “faggot” and “fag”

It killed me, even though I didn’t really know at the time that I really was gay. I was the things they were calling me. Not until I got to Middle School did I realize that I was indeed different, and I had a long way to go.

More to come! Keep checking to see if I posted more of the story!

"As long as your still breathing, there is HOPE."

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 21:25:00 -0500

“As long as your still breathing, there is HOPE.”

- Gramma

"Someone good had died. People still woke up, had breakfast, went to work, and it was wrong. Flower..."

Sun, 22 Jan 2012 16:11:06 -0500

“Someone good had died. People still woke up, had breakfast, went to work, and it was wrong. Flower petals still opened in the sun’s early light, and animals still grazed the day away, their minds untroubled. Someone good had died and the world had the audacity to move on.”

- “Something Like Summer” - Jay Bell (via unyieldingbackwardswisdom)

I did not feel her pain till I saw her tears and mascara, swirls...

Sun, 22 Jan 2012 12:16:17 -0500

I did not feel her pain till I saw her tears and mascara, swirls of dark desperation pooling on her cheeks.